Confessions of an Enneagram 4


As an Enneagram 4, many people look at me like an enigma, a riddle to be solved. They rarely know which version of me they’re going to get. For that matter, I rarely know what version of me I will get.

If I’m honest, I LOVE being an enneagram 4. Specifically, an Enneagram 4w3 (four wing three) is known as the aristocrat, and who doesn’t want to be an aristocrat?!

Type Fours are connected to their own rich, inner life and are concerned primarily with proving their uniqueness and pursuing the Ideal. Threes are self-assured, ambitious, and charming—driven by a desire to be the best. Type Fours are adjacent to Type Threes and therefore share some behavioral tendencies. These are known as Type Fours with a Three-Wing, or Type 4w3.

I believe it is only on the altar of vulnerability that we can begin to understand ourselves and, thus, better understand others. Because of the unsolved mystery that Enneagram fours can often be, I thought I would make a list, a confessional, if you will, of what it’s like to be me.

  • I love to create. 

  • I desire to be wanted and needed. 

  • I like to be pursued more than pursuing others.

  • I love my feelings, but I hate how they can quickly ruin a moment or a day.

  • Most of the time, I don’t want to be cheered up. I just want someone who understands and won’t abandon me because of my intense emotions.

  • I love being around people, but because I can also wing five, it’s difficult for several days in a row.

  • I almost always feel incomplete, often in more ways than one.

  • I envy other people I wish I could be more like.

  • I tell myself the most outrageous stories, and if I’m not careful, I can easily begin to believe them.

  • I’m incredibly selfish but also empathetic.

  • I need a routine, but I must change things up often.

  • I feel like I have things to say but often feel no one hears me.

  • I thrive on vulnerability.

  • I can be a lot to handle, but I can love like no one else.

  • Authenticity is the most important thing to me. 

Fours with a Three wing want to be both the most unique and the best, which sometimes manifests as being overly dramatic or attention-seeking. They have a competitive energy, yet they are able to dial back their quirkiness in order to be socially acceptable.

Woah. Right? That’s a lot.

But I believe if we can all be more honest about ourselves, we can begin to have more grace for ourselves. We can start to live freely and not under the weight of shame.

How can you be more open and honest about yourself today? Have you dived into what Enneagram number you most relate to?

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